Let’s Talk Shyness!
Are you shy?
Do you feel that you’re somehow different from other people?
Do you worry that no one really understands you?
And have you noticed? No one seems to want to talk about shyness. Of course not! For us shy people, it feels embarrassing.
I’m Carolyn Handley and my passion is to create respectful spaces and communities where it’s safe for us shy people to actually talk about shyness.
I’ve been shy my whole life. And I’ve spent my whole lifetime trying to “get over shyness”. I started when I was 18. And I’ve realised that I may always be a shy person. And that’s actually okay. I’m accepting that shyness is part of who I am.
And also, even as a shy person, I can work out all sorts of strategies and ways that I can live more lightly and with more joy. I’m playing with having a more easy, breezy life rather than being so serious, carrying around the stressful, heavy energy that used to dominate my life.
So today, I’m here to get to get the conversation started. And the first thing I want to say is – did you know that about in Western countries like Australia and America, when you ask people “Are you shy?”, 40% of people say yes. That means out of every 10 people for people are shy, sunshine!
If they say no, and you follow up with the question, “Have you ever been shy?” another 40% of people say “Yes”.
Woah! That means only one in five people really don’t understand what shyness is like! Four out of five people have been shy and half of them are shy today. Of course, there’s a range of shyness, from very mild, situationally specific shyness (e.g. shy with potential romantic partners) to the extreme shyness when you’re avoiding people and situations and feeling you’re missing out.
So as a shy person, why do we often feel that no one understands us? That we’re really alone? That’s the tough part of being shy. Our nervous anxiety and worries stop us from reaching out and finding the support we desperately crave.
So darling, for today – know that shyness is really, really common. There’s many, many people that also feel just as alone as they feel about at this moment. Just want to reassure you, you’re not alone. If 40% of people are saying I’m shy, that’s a lot of people.
And here’s something that may surprise you. Some people I’ve spoken to in my research say, “I’m shy and I’m really happy with that!” One said, “It helps me to be a good listener”. Another said, “It helps me to think deeply about things without having to always be talking.”
So, if that’s you, that’s absolutely fine. I congratulate you on accepting yourself just as you are! That’s fantastic! I’m not here to tell you that you have to change.
But if you’re shy and your anxiety or nervousness or avoidance is stopping you doing what you really want to do in life, maybe your career or socially or finding a partner, then I’m creating safe places just for you.
I’m starting a new series on my YouTube channel called “Let’s Talk Shyness!” Would you like to join me? I’m planning to make a new video each week. I’d love to see you there. Go to YouTube and search for “shywomanscoach” or click on the button below which will take you to the Shy Woman’s Coach Youtube Channel.
And if you prefer to read, there’ll be a new blog on my website each week too.
The way I approach this is to encourage you to take tiny little steps. My Coach a few years ago said, “If you can just improve 1% every day, imagine how different your life will be, a year from today!” And so that’s what I’m all about.
So, one thing about being shy is that you actually feel nervous, anxious, or some level of fear from a little bit nervous to totally break up can’t speak and you and you freeze up in front of other people.
So, here’s my 1% tip for today: If you’re feeling anxious or stressed just take a few really slow deep breaths. Maybe close your eyes and take a slow breath in, maybe for three or four counts. Then pause and then breathe out as slowly as you can. Breathe in again slowly. And pause and then breathe out as slowly as you can this time try and try and breathe out your worries. If it’s not embarrassing, breathe out with a sound – maybe a sigh. Just breathing out any stress, letting it come out your mouth.
I encourage you to keep breathing slowly for a few breaths, or even a couple of minutes.
Now – How do you feel? Are you feeling a little bit calmer?
Sometimes it’s that simple. Anytime you’re feeling the nervous tension rising, just take a few slow breaths. It can change how you feel in a moment. It might even make the difference between walking out the door and staying home, or between speaking up and staying silent.
And you can do those slow breaths anywhere, any time, and no one will even know you are doing it.
So welcome to “Let’s talk shyness” and the first blog of this series. I really hope that you join me on this journey and together let’s make sure that’s into something that we don’t mind talking about. Something that we’re not embarrassed to admit something that we can actually even in yourself to say yes, I’m shy and I’m okay with that.
In future blogs, we’ll talk about how shyness is actually not your fault. It’s actually just a part of being human. It might be partly genetic. It might be partly experiential – from things that have happened to you, or ways people have treated you. Shyness is a normal response.
We’ll talk about that in future blogs. So please come along for the journey.
The Shy Woman's Coach, guiding shy and sensitive women from nervous stress and FOMO to calm, confidence and connection. With playful curiosity and self acceptance, come and take small steps towards living with joyful flourishing.