My lovely shy friend,

If you’ve ever been told to “fake it ’til you make it” as a strategy for overcoming shyness, you’re not alone. This common piece of advice suggests that by pretending to be outgoing and confident, you’ll eventually become just that.

But here’s the truth: overcoming shyness is not only about putting on a facade or pretending to be someone you’re not. I’m here to explain why “faking it ’til you make it” is not enough, and to encourage you to explore healthier, more authentic ways to build confidence and self-assurance.

The idea of “faking it ’til you make it” suggests that by acting as if you’re confident and outgoing, you’ll eventually internalize those qualities and become genuinely confident and outgoing. While this approach may work for some people in certain situations, it’s not enough for we shy women.

Let me tell you a story about how I came to realise this for myself.

After uni I started working in a multi-national company, doing market research. Within 3 months of starting, I was told to present the results of my first research project to the marketing team.

I was terrified. I had avoided standing up and presenting at school and uni as much as possible. And here I was, having to stand up in front of some very senior people, all eyes on me, everyone listening to my words and asking me questions. Yikes!

I was so lucky to have an empathetic boss who was also an introvert. He said to me:

“It’s not about you! They are coming to find out the results of the research you did. And you are the person in the room who knows the most about those results. Just tell them what you found out.”

What my boss taught me was to back up the outer efforts with something internal. I know some information and these people want to hear that information. So, what did I do? I studied those results from every angle until I had a certainty within that I knew the information which these people were seeking. So when I stood up to speak, I at least had the confidence that I knew my topic.

Do you see it? My boss taught me to build confidence on the inside – become the expert – so acting confident was backed up with actual knowledge. So even though I was shaking when I gave that first presentation, I knew what I knew.

So, what does that mean for you?

When we shy women think about ourselves, we tend to focus on the negatives. I stutter and blush. I’m not good at this. They are better at that.

So, starting today, I encourage you to take the time to reflect on your strengths, values, and passions. What are you good at? If that’s hard, try: What do you enjoy doing? If you enjoy something, it usually indicates that it comes easier to you – so that may be a clue that you’re good at it. And then celebrate the qualities you have. You are unique and wonderful just as you are!

And be kind and compassionate towards yourself, especially when you’re feeling nervous or insecure. Remember that everyone experiences moments of self-doubt and vulnerability, and that it’s okay to ask for help or support when you need it.

As you build up a sense of self-acceptance, you’ll be building confidence from the inside out, rather than from the outside in. And that will feel less exhausting and inauthentic. Over time, your self-acceptance will become a solid foundation for you, so there’ll be less and less need to “fake it”.

If shyness is significantly impacting your quality of life or preventing you from pursuing your goals, don’t hesitate to seek support from a shyness coach or qualified therapist. I encourage you to choose someone who has both the skill in overcoming the struggle with shyness and also someone who knows what it’s like to be shy. They can provide personalized guidance and strategies to help you overcome shyness in a healthy and sustainable way. I love coaching shy women and watching them blossom so if I’m the right coach for you, message me and let’s explore the possibilities together.

So in summary, I encourage you to back up any attempts to “fake it ’til you make it” with an even greater focus on building genuine confidence and self-assurance from the inside out. Embrace your true self, take small steps out of your comfort zone when needed, practice self-compassion, and surround yourself with supportive connections. Remember, you are enough just as you are, and you deserve to live a life filled with confidence, authenticity, and joy. You’ve got this!

With love and courage,

Carolyn